


to be close to you

by holdmystickyhand



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, idk what to add here sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:14:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28526037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holdmystickyhand/pseuds/holdmystickyhand
Summary: Ever since summer, Ouma feels disconnected from everyone. He’s always felt like that but things are getting worse for him. He doesn’t know how much longer he can keep up a facade and how much longer he has to live. Shuichi however, is completely oblivious until it’s too late. Kokichi wants to know what it’s like to be loved before ...
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	1. Fall Begins

**Author's Note:**

> will update when i can !!
> 
> edit 1/21/21 : i’ve been rlly busy but i’ll definitely have something by friday/saturday :)

_Fall in Japan is beautiful_ , Kokichi thought to himself as he passed by through the rooftop on his way to his next class. By himself he was reasonable and only fabricated a personality when he was with others. His true thoughts were well thought out with good intention. Especially by himself, he had no reason to hide behind his deceitful ways. 

He was enjoying his school life at the newly built Hope’s Peak Academy; sure, he wasn’t the most social or welcoming of the connections he had but .... he found himself to be relaxed with himself mainly. Because he took time for his studies, he couldn’t focus on D.I.C.E. despite the temptation he had. He figured if he was going to be at Hope’s Peak for a while, might as well make it worth it. 

He secretly regretted coming since it meant meeting new people .... and wishing he could belong. But, he convinced himself that he’d be stronger. Which was how the Ultimate Supreme Leader ending up at Hope’s Peak, now in his third year of school. 

Kokichi was looking out on the rooftop of the school. His last class was on the floor below but it wouldn’t take long to get there, and he was in no rush to get there since he despised chemistry.  _Seriously, why would I need that if they knew I was an organization leader?_ He sighed. The last minute bell rang which made him stop his sight-seeing and proceed to the dreadful class. 

He paid no attention throughout the period. Not like there was anything to learn anyways. He glanced outside the window and to his surprise he saw some of his acquaintances on the outside attending to the garden outside the school.  _Bitchlet, Keeboy and ...._ He looked closer. Then he realized,  _Shumai-chan!_ He watched them water sunflowers, tend to weeds and rake the falling leaves. 

_He’s wearing that dumb emo hat again .... But I guess he’s in agriculture, wish that stupidhead told me. Oh well, that’s not my place I suppose..._ Kokichi continued to watch from his desk secretly. Wishing he was there with them.  _Would it even matter..? Would it even make a difference __?_ He stopped focusing on them and laid his head down and hoped the bell would ring soon for dismissal. He wanted to get to his apartment and forget about what he saw.

_ Stupid people and stupid feelings. Ugh, just shut up already! _

After what felt like forever, the teacher handed out the homework and the dismissal bell rang. He rushed to his locker and prayed to whatever god that he didn’t run into anyone he knew. He already felt distraught about being an outsider and he was too tired to put up his facade right then. Kokichi quickly grabbed his shoes and headed toward the gate. But ....

“Hey, Ouma-kun! Wait up!” said a familiar voice.  _It’s.... him. I don’t mind him, this should be fine._

He turned around with a cheeky grin and said, “Hey, Shumai-chan! Nishishishi~ I wonder what you want me for hm?” Shuichi looked nervously and responded, “Oh, um.... I was wondering if you wanted to walk home together. I’ve been so busy with school lately that I haven’t been able to spend time with anyone and ... I haven’t seen you around for a while. How’ve you been? The last time we talked was during the summer festival and it’s been a while since then. It’d be cool to talk, haha.”

_ Is he really interested into talking with me or am I just a last resort? I’m absolutely boring why would he want to talk with me? Why now? Did he see me? Why is he thinking about - _

“Ayo, Kokichi? You good?”

“I’m fine, haha! I’m just wondering what I should get for dinner. Anyways, yeah! I would love to walk you home, Saihara-chan! What would you ever do without me?” He laughed sheepishly. “I too have been busy since summer vacation. I’ve had school and had to organize D.I.C.E. schemes that are extra super important! They are very confidential and no one can know about it!” 

The two chatted while Shuichi led his way to the subway station. Kokichi lived in the opposite direction, so they talked until Shuichi’s stop. “It was nice seeing you, Ouma-kun. I kind of missed you in a weird way. Hopefully we can hang out before Christmas!” With that, the blue-nette hopped off the train and went home. Kokichi remained seated on the train. 

_ Thinking of me? What the hell is that bastard thinking? He probably didn’t mean any of that. He’s said he hated me. And at the festival we .... _

Thinking about it made him feel gross and he cringed at the very thought of it. He didn’t want to become closer with anyone especially after that. He began distrusting everyone even more since then. His thoughts imploded on him as he walked to his small apartment. His personal life was complicated and he did not want to deal with a even harsher life as a student. 

_ Maybe it’s for the best that we.... _

Kokichi opened the door and locked it up after dropping his bag and shoes. He made himself go to the restroom. 

He then picked up the razor in his bathroom. 

He didn’t want to look at what he did.  _Maybe I deserved it. It’s all my fault. If I never had ... Why did he say he missed me if I was always around .... He hates me .... They hate me...._

He continued to think as it got worse. He couldn’t feel because of how tired it made him and didn’t get anything done.  _Was it all a lie....It had to be...._

The wind bristled against the window. He could see the leaves falling and felt the warmth of the late afternoon sun on the cuts. He heard some buzzing from the kitchen table but, he started dozing off as he had no energy. The lullaby of the phone’s ringtone made him go completely asleep. 

_ I need to stop lying to myself..... _

***

“ _This is the voicemail of Kokichi Ouma, the Ultimate Supreme Leader! Leave your name and maybe I will get back to you, probably not though!_ ” repeated the voicemail for the 4th time. At this point, Shuichi was in more panic since the other boy wouldn’t pick up. During their ride on the subway, Shuichi forgot to mention that Ouma dropped his wallet while getting his shoes on at school. He saw it as a way to catch-up and return the wallet. But, it was too late! Additionally, he had no clue where Ouma might’ve lived or if he even was planning on going home straight after leaving Shuichi.  _Damnit! I should’ve asked where he was heading .... If only I could remember where he lived!_

The only time Shuichi recalled Ouma’s address was when he had to pick him up for the summer festival. However, there were a lot of factors that made him question if he even lived there still.  _I could wait for tomorrow ... My only other option would be to call others if they know it._ But even that thought alone made him realize it would take forever. There was still a chance that Kokichi would return his call! After all, he wouldn’t mind waiting. He was busy the next day as he thought more about it. The only option would be to call Ouma again or .... wait. 

So he waited for a returned call.

A call that never came back to him.


	2. Don’t Leave Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> srry for taking so long!! been busy... anyway, i’ll try to update as soon as i can ^w^ !! inspo from the v3 anthology sorta,,, ty for ur patience lol  
> also, from here on theres s/h mentions and blood etc. ,, this is a vent fic so-

On the way to school the next morning, Ouma checked his phone. He silently remarked the missed calls from Shumai. He winced at the thought,  _ Why would he need to call me 8 times? ... Thinking about it now, I did hear my phone last night. _ He considered the possibility that Shuichi may have ...  _ needed him?  _

_ No. There’s no way he would’ve felt that way towards me. Shuichi must’ve forgotten something... Should I return his call? _ He remembered the other’s schedule and made him realize that there wouldn’t be time. Also, he didn’t want to bother Shuichi during school. 

Before his third year, he would’ve taken any chance to pester Shumai-chan or anyone really. But with school and maintaining his skills, there were barely enough time to really goof around. Kokichi did enjoy his cynical schemes from time to time .... _ That’s it! I’ll get Shuichi to notice me by planning a prank. And... I’ll lure him to come find me! Perfect! Neehehehe~ _

First, he attacked Iruma by stealing some of her tools that she used for Keebo’s maintenance. He hid the tools in his locker and then texted Keebo to meet up with him at lunch. At lunchtime at the rooftop the two saw each other. 

The robot walked cautiously towards the trickster, making sure not to be too careful. “Hello, Kokichi. Why am I here? Better not be for another awful scheme...” Keebo rolled his eyes as he thought about prior menacing acts. Like the one at the festival. Kokichi gazed briefly at the early noon sky before answering. 

“Hehehe, want me to tell you the truth?” Ouma snickered. “Or would you want me to lie? Hahaha!”

“Either is fine, I need to get back-“

“To what? Lunch? Robots don’t need lunch! Unless you drink oil or something...” He gestured to Keebo’s bag that had a small bottle poking out. 

Keebo covered the bottle with his metallic hand, as if to hide it. “If you called me here just to be robophobic then I will leave!” Flustered, he turned around to return back to Miu in the garden area. 

_ Got ya! _ Kokichi sneakily grabbed Keebo’s bottle of oil and replaced it with water. To divert the switch of the bottles, Kokichi switched the battery on the back of his neck to make Keebo focus on the battery. Kokichi laughed menacingly since Keebo hadn’t realized the water bottle. 

“Ugh! Whatever, I’m leaving for real now!” the robot angrily grunted and tried to fix the battery by himself as he walked off. Kokichi paced as he thought of the next victims. 

_ Next is... Himiko! And Tenko, while I’m at it, hahaha!  _ He headed to the two girls’ homeroom. He often saw them have lunch together there and occasionally others would be there. They always brought bento and on Fridays they shared a dessert. If he was lucky, maybe he could hit 3 birds with one stone. He made his way to class 3-A and sure enough the two were there.  _ If I make a loud noise, it’ll draw them out then .... I can take their lunches!  _ A smile etched onto his face as he dropped Keebo’s oil bottle and a book he was carrying in his bag. Then, he took his hide in the class next to it. Luckily, no one was around in the classroom he chose to hide in and it was just Himiko and Tenko in the other room. 

He heard both of them scuffle into the hallway and he hurriedly took that time to take the lunches. Ouma heard distantly, “What was that?” “Did Keebo seriously drop this? God, even robotic degenerate males are careless.” He made his way to the exit and quietly left at the same time the two girls entered through the other door.  _Perfect_.  he took his leave with the new bento lunches. He smirked and made his way to the rooftop. 

Kokichi hadn’t eaten since the day before so he looked forward to the bento. The lunches had been barely touched so it was perfect; the scenario and timing were perfect too. Although he had forgotten his jacket at home, the weather was favorable. He sat alone on the rooftop and carefully ate the rest of Tenko’s meal. He spent most of his days on the rooftop so no one could possibly come to catch him. He enjoyed the rice and cat shaped salmon sushi. With Himiko’s meal, he wrapped it back up and put it in his bag. If he decided to actually eat, the meal would come in handy later. Kokichi hummed to himself; everything was planned.  _ By now, surely they must’ve caught on .... It’s only a matter of time before they get onto me ... _

It reminded him of the possibility it could either further their friendship badly or for good. 

_ Hopefully they won’t be a bunch of piss babies and don’t bitch to me about it... I didn’t go too far. Just enough for Saihara-chan to catch me. I want him to .... _ He gulped the last bite of sushi while thinking about Shuichi.  _ Stupid emo hat and stupid emo boy, it’s not like I....I... _

His thoughts were interrupted by the lunch bell. He briefly passed by the classroom that he had infiltrated. The book that was dropped was put aside next to the door, but Keebo’s oil (refreshment..?) was nowhere to be seen.  _ Ha! They probably are considering who did it based on that the oil is gone. Whatever, next class it is!  _

The remaining of the school day went on with almost no interruptions from the people he knew and his most dreaded class, chemistry, was the only time it was possible for anyone to run into anyone.

After the summer festival, he made sure there would barely be a chance to reconnect with his original homeroom. He passed by unfamiliar hallways and classrooms, ones others known better. Self-assigned classes, just to shut out his own insecurities. The pain was indescribable, inevitable just like the scars he made. The cuts were deep and yearned quietly for someone to care. 

He felt the nips of the cuts as he entered the classroom and took the seat next to the window. Ouma gazed carefully at the second garden as he nearly did everyday. What was once familiar to him, homerooms and classmates, made all of this feel new to him. Pushing others away was natural to him but wanting to reconnect was eating away at the back of his mind. He wondered about Shuichi’s stupid friend group and how they all looked so peaceful working and tending to the garden— at least when Ouma saw them at the outside garden. The temperature was slowly, but definitely dropping and he noticed how the leaves on the trees were no longer a bright green.  _ The work of Shuichi, huh... And here I thought he and the others wouldn’t manage.  _ He smiled a little to himself as he remembered Saihara wiping soil and fertilizer on a dirty apron.  _ Such a long time ago _ _._ They had planted some flowers together when they were first years. Before anything and before he built a shield around himself. 

Minutes passed. He drowned out the sounds of the annoying teacher giving instruction. It wasn’t as if it concerned him. Kokichi sighed in realization. 

_ The agriculture class hasn’t came outside today....Then that must mean..! _ He put down his head. This meant the class was either above on the rooftop or in a classroom on the same level as he was. Thinking about how Saihara-chan.... and...and.....

He felt a smile creep onto his face as he thought about the other boy.  _ Is he... thinking about me? Wonder if he’ll come find me, and...find me out since I caused all of this....mischief...  _

He felt lightheaded, maybe because of the cuts from before or because of Saihara, and the more he thought of running into him made him go into panic. Despite it, he continued to look at the door. His seat was on the far side of the room but thanks to his purple bangs, he was able to sneakily watch passing students.  _ Student uniforms are changing... I don’t even know if I’ll be able to recognize him... _ Lost in his own thoughts, he forgot about the time. Fortunately, the bell that rang for dismissal snapped him out of his gaze. He packed his things and attempted to mix in with the crowd in case they were already looking for him. He wanted to be caught but......It didn’t feel right to just turn himself in. 

He felt the pricks of his cuts on his legs ache. It wasn’t necessarily pain but as if his leg was being pulled on. The purple and pink bruises swelled earlier and he blatanly ignored the sensation which became one of the reasons he felt numb to it. He did it to feel something, anything, but the only reason to do it now was for him to success in his true goal. 

Ouma slowed down a little as he limped to his shoe locker, hoping that he did get away.  _ Or maybe, they didn’t care. Maybe they just saw this as being a dick and nothing else.  _ He sighed in frustration and fidgeted with his hair. His hair covered his face so it was indistinguishable of the embarrased face he was making.  _ I don’t understand, why do I feel this way..? _

Then he felt someone pull his hand up. A bigger yet gentle hand held Kokichi’s callous, small hand. His glossy eyes met with the detective’s golden eyes. He could feel Saihara’s faint pulse as he was shocked at how Shuichi could have possibly found him.  _ It wasn’t as if he would’ve cared ....  _ He was wearing the dumb emo hat again and Kokichi could barely make out Shuichi’s expression as his long hair and hat made reading the taller boy’s intentions difficult. He didn’t want to show weakness and quickly said, “You need something, Shumai-chan?” He made sure not to emphasize his true feeling of  _fear_.

Saihara narrowed his eyes and sighed. As if Kokichi didn’t know the answer already. “We both know why I’m here!” He pouted in a low tone. “You did all that mean stuff today, obviously! And, you never even returned my calls!” he scolded while not letting go of Kokichi, as if it was a serious intervention. “Should’ve called me back by the way,” he puffed. Kokichi grinned cheerily. 

“Aww, you missed me that bad? How kind of you!” the leader giggled. “I was busy doing homework and definitely had to study! And I figured you were too busy—“ he didn’t finish that sentence since Shuichi interrupted. 

“Well, you dropped, um-“ Saihara shuffled through his school bag and then checked his pockets. He realized suddenly, “Ah, um, sorry I think I left it at home...” He checked again and no dice. Kokichi didn’t respond as thoughts were flashing through his mind. 

_ What? I forgot something? Did he only talk to me yesterday for that? Or was he ....genuinely there for me... _

“Would you mind walking home together, again? Sorry if it’s out of the way, considering where you live...” Shuichi calmly offered and gave Kokichi a shy smile. Ouma could faintly feel the autumn air bristle around his neck as if it was nudging him to agree. _ No. This isn’t right _ _._ Any closer to the detective and he’d know it would hurt to trust him. To let go. _But maybe-_

“It’s fine, if you don’t want to-“ the taller boy stifled while tugging the bottom of his loose jacket. His eyes fell to the floor while he anxiously waited for Kokichi’s reply. “I—“ Ouma began to reply but was interrupted. 

Unknown faces walked by and were exiting the lockers. However the two were interrupted by a loud voice. “Hey, Shuichi!” Momota’s voice boomed, which made sense since he was always an eager person. It was followed by footsteps from Maki as she trailed right behind him. “Hello, Saihara,” she greeted politely but then her face turned cold at the purple menace. 

Kokichi himself felt his heart drop, and his once confident facade diminished for a second. He hadn’t seen the duo since then. Ouma cringed in embarrassment silently.  _ I want to disappear. Disappear, disappear, disappear, disappear.... It shouldn’t be like this. Not here, not right now.  _ His breathing picked up but he was used to repressing it. Enough so no one would notice. He gently fidgeted with the brown buttons on his cardigan.  _ Please not now. _ He tried to look away and not remember. 

***

_ Dim lanterns lined the sky. Stars were peeking as the sun began to set. Loud music was playing, but in the silence one could hear cicadas chirping happily. Summer was in full swing, and the once hot afternoon air cooled slightly. The aroma of food drifted out of the festival entrance and there stood Kokichi, somehow dreading what would happen.  _

_ Shuichi and his friends stood next to him as they were excitedly awaiting admission. Saihara had agreed to his invitation and the thought itself made Ouma feel even more nervous than prior. The detective gave him a ride to the festival and he found that embarrassing, too. No one was aware of where he lived. Luckily, the location wasn’t directly outside his apartment and only at a nearby street corner. And there he was, now standing in line to enter the festival. Behind Saihara. _

_ The others were chatting and he couldn’t help but admire everyone’s outfits. His own wasn’t that great, just a cheap kimono he borrowed from another D.I.C.E. member. It was a little too loose around the shoulders and a clumsily tightened purple belt rested on his waist. He ignored the fact that anyone could notice how thin he had gotten and the possibility of scars to show. He had tried his best to not relapse just for that day. His pale skin would make it far too obvious if the wounds were new. But, he tried to calm his nerves. If Saihara found out.... _

_ He was pulled out of his thoughts when Saihara turned around to see Kokichi. He must’ve seen the worry in Ouma’s face so he gave a reassuring smile. The worry melted as he was reminded why he was there.  _

_ Soon enough, they were admitted into the brightly lit festival. He had come before, by himself, but this time it felt different because he was with Shuichi. Well, Shuichi and the rest of his large friend group. He had asked Shuichi at the nearby park if he would go with him, but it seemed Saihara forgot to mention they’d go as a group. If Ouma was honest to himself, it overwhelmed him as he wasn’t really used to doing group settings. But it would make do, as he saw Shuichi as one of the few friends he had.  _

_ To him, it wouldn’t matter at that point. Momota led the group to various events. Ouma had fun playing games at the booths, winning nearly every game which resulted in a stack of plushies and tiny trinkets as prizes. He remembered how the end of the night went. Momota, Maki, Kaede... _

_ He wanted to forget their stupid voices. What they said.  _

***

His head hurt.  _ Forget. Forget everything. _ Momota and Maki gave quick judgements to the situation. “Hey shithead, are you trying to mess with him again?” Momota chirped in before anything. “Didn’t you cause shit today as well? I heard from Kaede that Iruma wasn’t too happy to know a lot of tools were stolen. You never have enough do you?” Maki scowled. Kokichi didn’t respond. He shifted his feet as he was unsure what to say. Looking at them made him feel sick to his core.  _ Should I just leave? I’m getting in his way regardless.  _

He turned towards the exit, shoving his way aside. “Forget it. Keep the wallet, the money, I don’t care.” He gave one last glance before exiting the school premises. “It doesn’t matter,” he mumbled under his breath. 

“Ouma— Kokichi, wait!” Shuichi yelped. But the smaller boy was already gone. 

“What’s gotten into you? I thought we were over this. And him.” Her voice reeked with irritation. The bluenette looked at them but didn’t say anything. “Don’t worry about it, bro! Glad we caught him before anything,” Momota cheekily remarked, like a flip switched. Shuichi turned back to the exit. The three resumed talking after he was no longer in sight. They acted as if Kokichi never interrupted them to begin with. It hurt Saihara more than it should’ve. 

_ Maybe it’s not too late. _

***

He slammed the door closed. He sighed deeply, and he realized he was holding in a breath unintentionally. Ouma rest his keys on his kitchen table and threw his school bag on the couch. Frustrated, he ran into the small bathroom.

He looked at the used razors in the trash. Ouma traced the outlines of the scars on his leg, feeling the jagged wounds break easily. The dark school uniform pants secluded any evidence of his self harm and he was alone in his thoughts.  _ Does it even matter if I feel like a husk? Alone and emptiness serve no purpose if I’m dead. It’s inevitable so why not make it sooner. Not like I have much to look forward to.  _ Like an old habit, he grabbed an unused razor and squeezed his left hand. The skin ripped apart so easily and the blood rushed out instantly. He remembered in his second year when he played a dumb knife game with Saihara. The taller one had bandaged him up with such a concerned look, it almost made Ouma feel bad. 

_ Saihara.... _ He picked up the blade again, weakly taking off his pants to start it again. To feel anything. His doll-like skin was decorated in hues of purple and red, unhealed wounds being prominent. The razor cut and opened old scars. It felt better than nothing. No tears ever came out. He sat there, feeling disconnected to what was happening. The blood made him feel somewhat dizzy as he couldn’t comprehend what was happening. He tugged at the hand towel in the bathroom and carefully patted the dripping blood to not stain his clothes.  _ Saihara... _

Ouma stumbled to his shoebox room and changed into soft, purple pajamas.  _ Shuichi.... _ Time had passed. The cuts that were on his arms that hadn’t healed reminded him of how disgusting he was. The late afternoon was fading away slowly until he couldn’t feel the warmth any more. The dark purple sweatshirt sitting on the floor looked more comfortable and he quickly put it on. 

_ The wounds always mend. They never get infected. Why? Why do I get to suffer? _ Ouma tucked himself under the warm blanket. He wondered about his organization and if they missed him. If anyone did. School never meant anything to him, and he barely did homework. It wouldn’t matter if he was gone or not. He started thinking about all the nice things Shuichi offered to him at the festival.  _ The festival... _

He knew they hated him. His stupid pranks, lies, indecency (Tenko said once to him) and anything else was terrible. 

_ So then... why? Why do you care? _

He dozed off, thinking about how small his world had become. The moonlight peeked into the cracked blinds and the apartment was silent. The cuts shifted slightly when he moved but it was fine.  _ Everything will be fine. The days will blur, it’ll repeat again. How sickening. _ Fall left a bad taste in his mouth because of the consequences from summer.

A faint ringtone chimed from the kitchen table. 


End file.
